Back at it again

 I was looking at and thinking about the past. Looked at some of those old blogs we used to write.

Really more like open access diaries. There was such self consciousness in them. And so much happening between the lines.

Such scandal and dramas.

Love triangles. 

I was in the painful part of one of those. Revealed in the words of a secret blog I was not meant to read. I had never felt such anger to read my own name. The painful betrayal of a friend.

I can reminder just sitting there, the pain manifesting in my head. A sinking pit of a feeling.

He asked for my forgiveness, which I think I appreciated, but could not have any sort of relationship with him. 

Time did heal those wounds. I don’t remember exactly when. It couldn’t have been that same year, could it have? 

Our senior year, I was in home school mode. Which meant attending two classes a day. Going to all three lunch periods, and working an internship at the local infomercial production house. 

I got a full time gig in April, and stopped going to school at all. Had we mended the fence yet? Or was that later, once he was in college. I think it may have. But I don’t have a strong recollection.

I moved in with another friend. I had adventures. I don’t think he was a part of that. But I did visit the University of Iowa. He was part of that scene. I went up and performed in an improv show he produced.

I would have seen him at those lunches.

But the timing and sequence of it all is missing. I think it may have all just been a little organic. I wasn’t going to shun him entirely. But we didn’t really hang out anymore. 

We used to have a secret code. An embedded conversion in larger social settings. The choice of words, the choice of subject, a well timed glance. We knew what the other was thinking, and doing conversationally. 

“Get a load of what this fool is saying…” we knew. “Let’s steer away from this situational dynamic.”

That, I don’t think really came back. I think maybe I got a feeling of it once or twice. But there was a tether that had been cut.

But we did factor in each others lives meaningfully after that. He told the girl to reach out to me, and we are married now. For ten years.

I gave him a place to crash land in New York, where he still lives.. 12 years later. We used to spend a lot more time on instant messenger, when that was still a thing I did a lot of.

I had some friends since we drifted apart more. And I think everyone is built on that template.

They deserve their own posts. 

But now, years into the coronavirus emergence, I find myself terminally lonely. Without friendship. I have a former colleague I chat with frequently, but we only talk shop. Shame I guess, I think we’d get along.

I wonder if I remind him of some template friend.

I wonder how to make those friends now. I think, some shared social routines matter. But I don’t have any hobbies I keep up with these days. And hanging out is kind of inaccessible. Or at least feels like it.

I need to sleep. But I’ll think more about how to do this.